(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS)
* IT WAS JUST ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT
* I WAS JAMMING WITH THE GUYS
* HANG OUT ON THE CORNER
* JUST A-WATCHING THE GIRLS GO BY
* SUDDENLY, I NOTICED THEY WERE STARING BACK AT ME
* AND WHEN I TOOK A CLOSER LOOK
* I COULDN'T HELP BUT SEE
* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING
* BOYS AIN'T GOT
* DRIVES 'EM CRAZY
* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING
* MAKES 'EM HOT
* BOYS AIN'T GOT
* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING
* BOYS AIN'T GOT
* JUST AIN'T GOT
* WOO OOH OOH
* LIKE A BEE THAT NEEDS ITS HONEY
* LIKE A MOTH DRAWN TO A FLAME
* GIRLS IS JUST A FACT OF LIFE
* THEY'RE CAPTURED BY THE GAME
* THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN
* SINCE ADAM FELL FOR EVE
* JUST ONE TASTE IS ALL IT TAKES
* TO MAKE THE BOYFRIEND NEED
* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING
* BOYS AIN'T GOT
* DRIVES 'EM CRAZY
* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING
* GETS 'EM HOT
* BOYS AIN'T GOT
* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING
* WOO
* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING
* BOYS AIN'T GOT
* OH OH OH OH
* GIRLS GOT SOMETHING
TERRY...
WHY AREN'T YOU IN SCIENCE?
I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.
I'M REALLY INTO THIS ARTICLE.
I NEED YOUR ADVICE.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
I'M REALLY STRESSED OUT!
THREE GUYS WANT TO TAKE ME OUT SATURDAY NIGHT.
I'LL NEED A REAL BOYFRIEND BY THE PROM.
WHO ARE THE GUYS?
IF I TELL YOU, DON'T LAUGH.
YOU HAVE THE PERFECT COLLEGE BOYFRIEND.
YOU THINK KEVIN'S PERFECT?
HE'S A GOD, OKAY?
CAN WE TALK ABOUT ME NOW?
WHERE WAS I?
BRUCE SCHULMAN,
EDWARD ZINK,
AND ROGER GIBBLER.
THIS IS SERIOUS.
I KNOW.
OKAY. ON A SCALE OF LAME TO CUTE,
WHO RATES THE LEAST LOW?
THEY'RE ALL LAME.
IN A RENT-A-TUX,
ROGER MIGHT MOVE UP TO SEMI-LAME.
WHO'S GOT THE HOTTEST CAR?
A PINTO, DAD'S SKYLARK, AND A SCHWINN.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SKIP THE PROM.
HEY, HEY, EVERYBODY...
LISTEN UP.
YOU'VE BEEN GIVING ME GRIEF
ABOUT THIS JOURNALISM COMPETITION.
I GOT ALL OF YOUR SUBMISSIONS READY.
DURING MY PLANNING PERIOD, I PICKED THE BEST TWO.
THEN FROM THOSE...
AND FROM THOSE SUBMITTED AT STURCHES WILDER...
-BOO! -BOO!
THANK YOU.
THE TRIB WILL PICK ONE
AND AWARD SOMEBODY A SUMMER INTERNSHIP.
I'LL POST THE NAMES OF THE WINNERS AFTER LUNCH.
TUNA SALAD ON WHOLE WHEAT.
A SUMMER JOB AT THE SUN-TRIBUNE.
A LIZARD WILL TAKE ME TO THE PROM!
YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.
HI, DENISE.
ARE YOU BUSY SATURDAY NIGHT?
SORRY.
MR. RAYMAKER...
MR. VINO RAN OVER A DOG.
SHOULD I TAKE A PHOTOG?
NO.
WHAT'S UP, TERRY?
HOW'S IT GOING, TERRY?
HI, GUYS.
BYE... GUYS.
AM I INVISIBLE?
THEY WERE IN A HURRY.
YOU ARE SO HOT!
BUDDY.
I JUST ATE.
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY, BUD.
ANYTIME, SIS.
OUR PARENTS TOOK OFF FOR TWO WEEKS.
THEIR KING-SIZE BED IS EMPTY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IF WE WERE THE LAST PEOPLE ON EARTH,
THE HUMAN RACE WOULD DIE.
YOU WANT TIME TO THINK.
I UNDERSTAND.
I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU.
SLUMBER PARTY.
WE'LL INVITE EVERY GIRL.
TALL, SHORT, LOOSE, EASY...
THEY CAN USE MY BEDROOM, MY BODY...
I WANT TO HELP.
YOU WANT TO MOLEST MY FRIENDS?
FORGET IT.
WHY?
YOU'LL HAVE A PARTY,
AND I'LL... UH-UH-UH!
OH, GOD.
DOES HE DO THIS AT THE DINNER TABLE?
IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE NEVER HAD SEX.
ONLY I'D LIKE IT WITH A PARTNER.
WE MUST GET BACK TO SCHOOL.
YES. WE MUST GET BACK.
I WONDER IF MY ARTICLE'S IN THE TROPHY CASE.
WE MUST GET GOING.
I'M 15 YEARS OLD.
IN TWO YEARS, I REACH MY SEXUAL PEAK.
THE CLOCK'S TICKING.
I HAVE TO GET JAMMING.
DON'T YOU HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE EMBARRASSED?
NOPE. I'M HORNY.
HORNY WILL KICK EMBARRASSMENT'S ASS EVERY TIME.
BUDSTER, LISTEN TO ME...
YOUR FIRST TIME SHOULD BE REALLY SPECIAL.
I GUARANTEE I'LL BE IN LOVE.
THERE'S LISA MacADOO.
I'LL HEAR SHE'LL DO ANYTHING WITH ANYBODY.
SHE LOOKS PRETTY CHEAP TO ME.
ME, TOO.
I AM SO EXCITED.
THIS JOB MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME.
WE CAN INTERVIEW ALL THE CUTE JOCKS.
YOU'LL BE SO PROUD.
I'LL MAKE A GREAT REPORTER.
I'M NOT THERE.
WHY AREN'T YOU THERE?
NEAL PERLOW AND JOSEPH DREYER?
I HAD TERRY GRIFFIN, FOURTH PERIOD CIVICS.
DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S WEARING?
THOSE LEGS DON'T STOP!
FLUNK HER. KEEP HER HERE.
BE CAREFUL, GEORGE.
YOU COULD LOSE YOUR JOB.
BE WORTH IT.
SHE'S GOT GREAT JUGS.
TERRY.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY ARTICLE?
THERE ISN'T ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT PER SE.
IT'S JUST NOT OUTSTANDING WORK.
I THINK SO.
WHAT DO YOU GIVE ME STRAIGHT As FOR?
I GIVE YOU As BECAUSE OF YOUR HARD WORK.
YOU WRITE WELL.
BUT THIS CONTEST IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
"DOES THIS PERSON HAVE A NOSE FOR THE NEWS?"
"DO THEY FIND THE MOST INTERESTING ANGLE?"
YOU'RE SAYING THE NUTRITIONAL CONTENT
OF OUR SCHOOL LUNCHES ISN'T INTERESTING.
I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED.
I HAD TO PICK KIDS
WHO COULD REALLY BECOME PROFESSIONAL JOURNALISTS.
I WILL BE A REPORTER.
THAT'S GOOD.
I LIKE THAT ATTITUDE.
SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON?
LIKE WHAT?
YOU'RE PRETTY. YOU COULD BE A MODEL.
BECAUSE A PRETTY GIRL CAN'T HAVE A BRAIN?
WHAT I MEANT...
I KNOW!
THIS ARTICLE BELONGS AT THE SUN-TRIBUNE.
YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO LIKE...
IT IS REALLY PATHETIC.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
TERRY, IT'S MR. WONDERFUL.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
ALWAYS WHEN I'M BUSY.
(RING)
SHE'S OUT BACK.
WHAT TOOK YOU?
I KNEW IT WAS YOU.
YOU'RE SO YOUNG.
WHAT A WASTE OF A SPORTS CAR.
LISTEN, EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
HOW'D THIS GET IN HERE?
YOU ALWAYS TIE DOUBLE KNOTS
KEVIN, PLEASE, FORGET THE KNOT.
I NEED SYMPATHY.
I HAD MY HEART SET ON THAT SUMMER JOB.
OH, TERRY.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
CAN I TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY?
WHEN I WAS A KID,
I WAS OBSESSED WITH BEING A FIREMAN.
I SET LITTLE FIRES AND PRACTICED DOUSING THEM.
WHEN I WAS 12, I LEARNED I COULDN'T BE A FIREMAN.
WHY, WHAT HAPPENED?
I FOUND OUT WHAT THEIR SALARY WAS.
PITIFUL.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND
I DON'T CARE WHAT REPORTERS MAKE?
I CAN'T REMEMBER
EVER WANTING TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
IT'S DISCOURAGING WHEN RAYMAKER SAYS
I SHOULD BECOME A MODEL.
WHY NOT? YOU'RE A KNOCKOUT.
BESIDES, MODELS MAKE PRETTY NICE BUCKS.
YOU DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT, EITHER.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.
IT WAS CLOSE ENOUGH.
IT'S LUCKY I LOVE YOU... I THINK.
I'D PROBABLY NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.
I'D LIKE TO BE ALONE, PLEASE.
BE ALONE WHEN YOUR PARENTS ARE HOME.
SINCE YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED, READ MY LIPS.
GOODBYE, KEVIN.
WOULD YOU RATHER SPEND THE NIGHT AT THE FRAT HOUSE?
ALL MEN CARE ABOUT IS SEX.
I RESENT THAT.
BIG IMPROVEMENT, HUH?
THE ROOM NEEDED SOMETHING.
YOUR ROOM IS WHY MY LIFE IS SCREWED UP.
YOU GUYS THINK WOMEN ARE JUST DECORATIONS,
TOTAL AIRHEADS.
HEY, NOT ME.
THESE WOMEN HAVE MY DEEPEST RESPECT.
FOR SHOWING THEIR BOOBS?
AND FOR THEIR MINDS.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS KIM READS VONNEGUT
IN HER BUBBLE BATH.
LOU ANN DEDICATED HER CENTERFOLD
TO HELP CLEAN UP TOXIC WASTE.
THE ONLY REASON
BARBARA STUDIES PHYSICS BUCK NAKED
IS BECAUSE THAT LIBRARY IS HOT.
ADMIT IT, BUDDY.
YOU'D LOVE TO SPEND YOUR LIFE
USING WOMEN'S BODIES.
ALL BUT THE LAST MINUTE.
I'D LIKE A LITTLE TIME TO REMINISCE.
CONSIDER SOMETHING MORE PROFOUND THAN GETTING LAID.
A BLOW JOB?
SORRY.
THIS TOPS OFF MY DAY.
IT'S LIKE WOMEN'S LIB NEVER EXISTED.
TODAY'S WOMAN IS FREE TO BE AS PERVERTED AS GUYS.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
I MEAN, I WRITE AN EXCELLENT ARTICLE,
AND BECAUSE I'M CUTE, NO ONE TAKES ME SERIOUSLY.
SOMEHOW YOU FIND THE COURAGE TO GO ON LIVING.
YOU'VE GOT GUTS.
SOMETIMES I WISH I WERE A GUY.
NO, YOU DON'T.
THE MALE NEEDS SEX CONSTANTLY.
IT'S A LIVING HELL.
IF A GUY SUBMITTED THAT ARTICLE,
IT'D BE AT THE SUN-TRIBUNE NOW.
YEAH, NO KIDDING.
DOES MISS APRIL LOOK STRAIGHT?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
WHAT ARE THE ODDS IT'S A NYMPHOMANIAC?
IS YOUR SISTER HOME?
YEAH.
TERRY, YOU GOT COMPANY.
TERRY?
I JUST FOOLED MY OWN BROTHER.
I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
NOW I AM. HELLO, TERRY.
I THINK I CAN PULL THIS OFF.
THIS MORNING I KNEW HER.
EVERYTHING WAS GREAT.
NOW SHE'S WEARING MY CLOTHES.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TOOTSIE?
NO.
OKAY, YENTL?
YOU WANT TO BE A RABBI?
TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG.
REALLY?
OKAY.
NO... UH...
LOOK HOW YOU'RE STANDING.
DROP YOUR HANDS.
OKAY, NOW, STICK YOUR HIP IN.
ALL RIGHT, NOW MOVE YOUR FEET APART.
GUYS TAKE UP SPACE.
YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK TOUGHER.
VERY CRUCIAL.
SOMETHING EVERY GUY DOES.
SCRATCH YOUR BALLS.
COME ON, TRY IT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WATCH THE MASTER.
NOW, FIRST, THERE'S YOUR BASIC SHIFT.
AH.
IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH,
YOU'VE GOT TO GET INSIDE.
DIG A LITTLE.
MOVE THINGS AROUND.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE MY BALLS DON'T ITCH.
ALL BALLS ITCH.
IT'S A FACT.
MAYBE THIS WOULD HELP.
NOT BAD.
SHIT. MAYBE I SHOULD TRY THAT.
OKAY. LET'S SEE YOU WALK.
HOLD IT.
LOOK, YOU GOT BALLS NOW.
USE THEM.
SAY, BABY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I'M A LEAN, MEAN, SEX MACHINE.
SAY, BABY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I'M A LEAN, MEAN, SEX MACHINE.
THAT'S HOW IT IS.
YOU'LL PASS. JUST DON'T MOVE.
I'M GOING TO DO IT.
I'LL SUBMIT THAT ARTICLE AS A GUY.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM, YOU GET IN DRAG.
YOU DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT, DO YOU?
NO WAY.
BUT I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU TRY.
HOW YOU DOING?
WE'LL TALK MORE LATER.
THE KEY IS TO WORK OUT EVERY POSSIBLE MINUTE.
NO WEIGHTS? USE FRESHMEN.
I'M SERIOUS.
EXCUSE ME,
THIS WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.
GET A GOOD GRIP...
BEND YOUR KNEES AND LIFT...
ONE, TWO,
ONE, TWO...
NO PAIN, NO GAIN.
GREAT FOR THE DELTOIDS.
THANKS, KID.
WHO INVITED YOU?
UH, I'M NEW HERE.
JUST WHAT WE NEED, ANOTHER PUSSY.
STRONG AS AN OX, AND ALMOST AS SMART.
OOH. OOH.
ANOTHER GOOD EXERCISE FOR UPPER BODY STRENGTH...
THE PUSSY TOSS, FOR DISTANCE.
HEY, GET OFF ME!
OW!
WATCH THE PRICKLERS.
DAMN!
GREAT BUNCH OF GUYS.
YOU MET GREG TOLEN.
HE RUNS THE SCHOOL.
I'M RICK MOOREHOUSE.
TRY NOT TO GET US CONFUSED.
WILLY, GIVE US A SYNOPSIS OF CATCHER IN THE RYE?
(SPEAKING MARTIAN)
CATCHER IN THE RYE...
A NOVEL BY THE EARTHLING SALINGER
EVERY ADULT HOMO SAPIEN IS FORCED TO READ.
YOU DIDN'T READ IT, DID YOU?
OUR MISSION ON EARTH
IS TO STUDY HUMAN PATTERNS.
LAST NIGHT WE SIMULATED
A TEENAGE RITUAL, HOMEWORK AVOIDANCE.
WE CONSUMED LARGE QUANTITIES OF FERMENTED HOPS,
AND WERE TRANSFORMED INTO DEGENERATE PARTY ANIMALS.
CAN I GO TO THE RESTROOM?
THREE MINUTES.
I DON'T CARE WHAT GALAXY YOU'RE FROM.
YOU'VE BEEN PULLING THIS ROUTINE FOR THREE YEARS.
YOU BETTER STRAIGHTEN UP.
I WANT THAT HOMEWORK NOW.
THE EARTH WOMAN SEEMS SO TENSE,
IRRITABLE.
TOO MUCH COFFEE.
NOT ENOUGH SEX.
(SPEAKING MARTIAN)
BRRSSSHHHH!
* YEAH
* ON THE STREETS, PEOPLE TALK
* ALL THE STRANGERS THAT YOU MEET
* WATCH YOU MOVE, HOW YOU WALK
* LITTLE SECRETS
* TAKE IT OUT
* FACE TO FACE
* CROSS THAT LINE OF FANTASY
* IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN COME ALONG WITH ME
* ONE OF THE GUYS
* STICK TOGETHER
* REPUTATION'S OUT ON THE STREET
* ONE OF THE GUYS
* HARD TO MEASURE
* WHEN THE LOVE IS TO START... *
JUST FINISHED.
I CARE.
* NO ONE KNOWS WHAT'S INSIDE
* GIRL, YOU'RE HUNGRY FOR THE DREAM
* IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN COME ALONG WITH ME
* ONE OF THE GUYS
* STICK TOGETHER
* REPUTATION'S OUT ON THE STREET
* ONE OF THE GUYS
WAY TO GO, BIG TER.
* THEY STICK TOGETHER
* REPUTATION'S OUT ON THE STREET
* ONE OF THE GUYS
TABLE PRESSING.
GOOD FOR STRENGTH AND DEFINITION.
FULL EXTENTION IS VERY IMPORTANT.
NO PAIN, NO GAIN.
GOTCHA!
UH... COACH MORRISON...
ONE MOMENT, SON.
BOWLING... GREAT GAME.
THE GREATEST.
BUT IT'S MORE THAN A GAME.
IT'S THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE.
ONE MAN,
ONE BALL,
10 PINS.
10 FRAMES, TOO.
EXACTLY!
COACH, I JUST TRANSFERRED FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL.
I'M WITHOUT GYM CLOTHES,
SO I'LL GO TO STUDY HALL.
HOLD IT.
EVERYONE DRESSES FOR MY GYM CLASS.
EVERYONE.
GREAT.
I HAVE SURPRISE JOCK INSPECTIONS
THREE TIMES A WEEK.
A WORD TO THE WISE...
WEAR IT.
HEY, MARK! THROW ME A TOWEL.
I HATE GYM.
I REALLY HATE GYM.
AHEM.
EXCUSE ME.
OH, IT'S SPREADING.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHNG LIKE THIS?
NEVER.
SHOWER SQUAD! GET THE NEW KID!
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(BELL RINGS)
EVERYBODY OUT! FIRE!
TAKE ONLY ESSENTIAL MATERIALS.
WE HAVE A SABOTEUR IN OUR GYM CLASS.
A REAL SCUM!
A NIMROD.
WHOEVER STARTED THAT FIRE...
IS A HUMAN GUTTERBALL.
A ZERO!
SHERPICO, I HAVE TOLD YOU
NO CREATURES IN MY GYM CLASS.
THE ALLIGATORS WOULD HAVE EATEN HIM IN THE LOCKER.
YOU GET RID OF IT OR I'LL GET RID OF IT.
SHH.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OKAY.
HE'S JUST UPSET. DON'T WORRY.
SIT. SIT.
STAY. GOOD BOY.
I'LL BE BACK SOON.
I'LL TAKE WILLIE, YOU TAKE PHIL.
OKAY, COME ON, GUYS.
-AHH! -AHH!
(WHISTLE)
SHIRTS! SKINS!
AHH! AGH!
GOT A PROBLEM, SON?
STOMACH... SHOOTING PAINS.
I ATE IN THE CAFETERIA.
COME ON, TOUGH IT OUT.
WHEN LIFE ROLLS YOU A 7-10 SPLIT,
WHAT DO YOU DO?
GO TO THE NURSE?
NO! YOU AIM FOR THE SEVEN PIN,
LET 'ER RIP!
AGH!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THE REST OF YOU PINHEADS PLAY BALL.
THIS IS GOOD WORK.
I KNEW IT.
THANKS, MR. MENDOSA.
BUT I CAN'T SEND IT TO THE SUN TRIBUNE.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I CAN'T SEND IT.
YOUR WRITING SKILLS ARE FINE,
BUT THIS STUFF IS REALLY BORING.
YOU'VE GOT TO GRAB THE READER.
GOOSE THEM A LITTLE.
RIGHT.
GOOSE THEM.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A GUY
DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T WRITE
WITH SENSITIVITY, FEELING, HEART.
BUT YOU DO SHOW PROMISE.
I'M NOT CHOOSING THE WINNERS
UNTIL A WEEK FROM MONDAY.
THINK OF SOMETHING EXCITING.
TRY AGAIN.
YEAH, WELL, UH...
THANKS.
TERRY, I HATE WHEN YOU'RE DEPRESSED.
IF YOU'RE THIS UPSET OVER YOUR LIFE,
I SHOULD BE SUICIDAL.
LOOK WHAT KEVIN SENT YOU.
I'D DO ANYTHING TO COME HOME AND FIND ROSES.
CAN WE DEFINE, "ANYTHING"?
MAYBE RAYMAKER WAS RIGHT ABOUT MY ARTICLE.
BUT I KNOW I CAN DO BETTER.
I'M JUST CONFUSED.
OF COURSE, YOU'RE CONFUSED.
YOU'RE WEARING MY UNDERWEAR.
TERRY, FORGET IT.
COME BACK TO PEARL.
SO YOU GOT A BAD HAIRCUT.
YOU'VE GOT A FABULOUS BOYFRIEND.
I CAN'T GIVE UP.
TODAY WAS A DISASTER,
BUT THEY THOUGHT I WAS A GUY.
I WAS IN THE BOY'S LOCKER ROOM!
CAN I BE YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER?
THERE'S A STORY HERE.
I'VE GOT A WEEK TO FIND IT.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT,
"GIRL GETS IN LOCKER ROOM, TURNS STUPID."
I CAN STILL WIN THAT JOB.
TOMORROW I'LL START MAKING FRIENDS.
ANY FRIENDS I CAN FIND.
WHAT IF KEVIN FINDS OUT ABOUT THE LOCKER ROOM?
WOULD WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN
WORRY ABOUT THEIR GIRLFRIENDS?
NO.
ANYWAY, KEVIN WILL NEVER FIND OUT.
UNLESS I TELL HIM...
WHICH I WOULD NEVER DO
AS LONG AS DENISE COOPERATES.
DENISE?
WHEN PIGS FLY.
NEVER HURTS TO ASK.
IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
I CAN'T FIND THE BACK OF MY EARRING.
AM I SUPPOSED TO WALK AROUND WITH ONE EARRING?
IT'S SO PUNK.
BREAK THE ERASER OFF A PENCIL.
IT'LL HOLD YOUR EARRING ALL DAY.
OH, THANKS.
I HAVE SISTERS.
EVERYTHING EATS AND IS EATEN BY SOMETHING.
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
REMEMBER WHAT I...
HI, UH... I'M TERRY GRIFFITH.
OH, HI.
I'M HAROLD "REPTILE" SHERPICO.
IT'S TIME TO FEED SNOWBALL HIS LUNCH.
OH, SNOWBALL.
HE'S CUTE.
THAT'S NOT SNOWBALL.
THIS IS SNOWBALL.
THAT'S LUNCH.
THEY DON'T MAKE SNAKE CHOW.
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
NICE MEETING YOU, TOO.
WANT SOME COMPANY?
UH, YEAH, SURE.
I'M TERRY GRIFFITH.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT YOUR NAME.
RICK MOOREHOUSE.
YEAH. THAT'S IT.
LAST TIME, I WAS IN SOME BUSHES.
BIG FUN BEING NEW, HUH?
ARE YOU NEW?
TWO MONTHS AGO.
I'M A PROFESSIONAL NEW KID.
I REALLY KNOW HOW TO REGISTER.
EXCUSE ME.
HI. THANKS.
IT WORKED GREAT.
HE FIXED MY EARRING.
THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S A LITTLE TULIP.
YOU KNOW DEBORAH STROBRIDGE?
NOT REALLY.
BUT I MEAN, SHE TALKED TO YOU.
DEBORAH STROBRIDGE IS PERFECTION.
SEEMS LIKE SHE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND.
THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE.
ARE YOU A SENIOR?
YEAH.
YOU GOING TO COLLEGE?
I LIKE MUSIC.
I'D LIKE THAT FIELD,
BUT I'M UNSURE ABOUT SCHOOL.
I DIG MUSIC, TOO.
I LIKE THE CLASH, THE TALKING HEADS, SPRINGSTEEN.
THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
LISTEN TO THIS.
LOOK.
WHAT A FOX...
DRESSES LIKE ELVIS COSTELLO,
LOOKS LIKE THE KARATE KID.
I'M GOING TO GET HIM.
SEVERE INTESTINAL DISORDER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU HAVING A LITTLE TUMMY ACHE?
WHAT ARE YOU? A PUSSY?
UH...
MY DOCTOR SAID I SHOULD BE OKAY
BY NEXT MONDAY.
I GUESS I'LL GO TO STUDY HALL.
NO, YOU WON'T.
I HAVE A LITTLE JOB FOR YOU, SON.
HERE YOU GO.
HERE. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED TWO.
DRAGON COMING THROUGH.
WATCH YOUR TOES.
COME ON, FIFI. DON'T DAWDLE.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
NOTHING.
TULIP.
HI.
NICE TO SEE YOU.
HI.
I'M SANDY.
TERRY.
I KNOW.
THAT'S AN INCREDIBLE TIE.
WHERE DID YOU GET IT?
AT A STORE.
BITCHIN'.
YOU PROBABLY DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
I GOT ONE BACK HOME.
LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP?
GOOD LUCK.
YO, RICK!
WANT A RIDE HOME?
UH... SURE.
WELL, GOT TO GO, SANDY.
I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
YEAH. YOU WILL.
SHE'S PRETTY NICE.
YEAH, BUT I GOT ONE RULE...
I NEVER DATE GIRLS WHO SAY "BITCHIN'."
PULL UP RIGHT HERE. THIS IS FINE.
THANKS FOR THE RIDE.
WELL, UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
NOTHING. WANT TO COME IN?
I WAS GOING TO PLAY FOOTBALL,
BUT, YEAH, I GOT TIME.
OKAY.
IF MY MOM RETURNS AND ASKS YOU ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND...
HER NAME'S ALICE.
SHE RESEMBLES CHRISSY EVERT LLOYD.
I DON'T WANT HER WORRYING ABOUT MY SOCIAL LIFE.
YEAH, BUT CHRIS EVERT LLOYD?
IT WAS WIMBLEDON WEEK.
DO YOU WANT A BEER?
YEAH. I'LL TAKE A BREWSKI.
SO YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
YOU GUESSED IT.
WHAT ABOUT THE PROM?
SO?
IT SOUNDS ALL RIGHT...
RENTING THAT BIG SURF PLACE.
DON'T YOU WANT TO GO?
IT'S A ROMANTIC NIGHT.
I WON'T TAKE MY MOM.
DID YOU ASK ANYONE?
WELL, YOU'D BETTER GET GOING!
WHO'S YOUR FIRST CHOICE?
YOU ASK LOTS OF QUESTIONS.
WE'RE RAPPING MAN-TO-MAN.
STILL A VIRGIN?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW?
WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?
ARE YOU A VIRGIN?
NO.
HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH LOTS OF GIRLS?
NO. HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH GIRLS?
YEAH.
LET'S HEAR THE STORY.
NO BIG DEAL.
AFTER MY DAD DIED,
THIS FRIEND OF MOM'S WANTED TO CHEER ME UP.
SHE DID.
IS THAT YOUR ROOM?
DON'T GO IN. IT'S MESSY.
THIS IS DIFFERENT.
I'M KIND OF INTO JAMES BROWN.
I GUESS SO.
YOU KNOW PRINCE, MICHAEL JACKSON?
IT ALL STARTED WITH THE GODFATHER OF SOUL.
MR. DYNAMITE, THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS.
NEW YORK CITY, LIVE, APOLLO THEATER, 1962.
THIS MAN WAS KING.
LET'S HEAR SOME SOUNDS.
I DON'T THINK SO.
STEREO BROKEN?
IT'S SOMETHING I DO ALONE.
WHEN I HEAR JAMES, I DANCE LIKE JAMES.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'M USUALLY ALONE WHEN I DO IT.
THAT'S COOL. I RESPECT THAT.
HOW ABOUT ANOTHER BREWSKY?
OKAY.
BUDSTER, THE REFRIGERATOR GIVES NEW MEANING
TO THE WORD "EMPTY."
DON'T WORRY ABOUT BREAKFAST.
THIS STUFF TASTES GREAT COLD.
YOU AGREED TO DO HALF THE SHOPPING HERE.
RIGHT. THE SECOND HALF.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL DO THE DISHES.
THANK YOU.
I CAN SEE MYSELF.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
I'LL GET IT.
HELLO.
HEY, YO, SCUMBAG.
SUCK YOUR OWN.
EAT ME.
SAME TO YOU, BUTTFACE.
MOM SAYS HI.
YO, RICK. HOW THEY HANGING?
IT'S TERRY.
WEAR SOMETHING REALLY HIP TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.
WE'LL GET YOU A PROM DATE.
JUST DO WHAT I SAY.
OKAY.
YEAH.
BYE-BYE... UH, SCUMBAG.
SHIT. HE HUNG UP.
GRRR!
RAWR!
THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF HIP?
A GUYS WHO'S INTO JAMES BROWN?
COULD WE FORGET THE WHOLE THING?
THERE'S NO REASON YOU SHOULD MISS THAT PROM.
NO GIRL WOULD TURN YOU DOWN.
SO COME ON.
WHO IS SHE?
RED SWEATER.
CUTE SHOES.
HUH?
GO FOR IT.
JUST WALTZ OVER AND ASK HER OUT?
YOU GOT TO SAY SOMETHING NICE,
LIKE HOW PRETTY HER EYES ARE.
GIRLS EAT UP THAT CRAP.
COME ON.
HI, JEANINE.
HI.
I KEEP FORGETTING YOUR NAME.
RICK MOOREHOUSE.
I SIT NEXT TO YOU IN CIVICS.
YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES.
I'LL BET.
DO YOU HAVE A...
A PROM DATE?
OF COURSE. IT'S NEXT WEEK. WHY?
OFFICIAL PROM COMMITTEE SURVEY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
TERRY.
THIS IS THE ONE. YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I'VE ASKED EVERYBODY ELSE.
NO.
BECAUSE I'VE GOT THIS FEELING.
I'VE HAD IT BEFORE, BUT THIS TIME...
UH...
BETH.
DOING ANYTHING, UH, PROM NIGHT?
I'M GOING TO THE PROM.
WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?
I'M BUSY.
NIGHT?
BUSY.
SUNDAY?
HOW ABOUT ANY NIGHT IN 1987?
I'M BUSY.
HOW ABOUT YESTERDAY?
YOU BUSY YESTERDAY?
I THINK SO, BUT ASK AGAIN.
HI, TERRY.
OH, HEY, SANDY.
WORD'S OUT YOUR FRIEND NEEDS A DATE.
HE'D LOVE MY COUSIN. SHE'S CUTE.
HOW CUTE?
EXTREMELY. SHE'S GOT, LIKE, JOAN COLLINS' EYES,
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY'S TEETH.
WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF HER?
DYNAMITE. RICK HAS TO MEET HER.
HOW ABOUT YOU, ME, RICK, AND JILL
MEET UP AT THE CAVE TONIGHT?
UH...
COME ON. WE'LL HAVE FUN.
THIS JILL BETTER BE SOME GIRL.
* I WANT A LOVER WITH A SLOW HAND
* I WANT A LOVER WITH AN EASY TOUCH
* I WANT A LOVER WHO WILL SPEND SOME TIME
* NOT COME AND GO...
BUDDY, CAN I BORROW YOUR JACKET?
* I WANT SOMEBODY...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST CLEANING THE HOUSE.
BUDSTER, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
HUH.
I AM AWESOME.
LINDA IS ON HER WAY OVER.
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
DOES THIS GIRL KNOW SHE'S COMING OVER
TO LIGHT UP YOUR LIFE?
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, NOT REALLY.
WE'LL START OFF WITH SOME ALGEBRA.
ONCE I TURN ON THE CHARM, SHE'S MINE.
HAND ME THAT MASSAGE BOOK, PLEASE.
BUD, TAKE THE SUBTLE APPROACH.
HANG SOME SALAMIS FROM THE CEILING.
AT LEAST MY DATE'S OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
I'M JUST SEEING SANDY FOR RICK.
WHAT HAPPENED TO RESEARCH?
THAT'S WHAT I MEANT.
YOU'RE TOYING WITH THIS POOR GIRL'S EMOTIONS.
ALL YOU TRANSVESTITES ARE ALIKE.
YOU DISGUST ME.
BUT OF COURSE,
THAT ISN'T THE REAL PROBLEM HERE.
OH? WHAT IS?
SANDY'S HOT FOR YOU.
SHE MIGHT TEAR YOUR CLOTHES OFF.
THAT'S WHAT ROXANNE DOYLE DID.
WHAT DO I DO THEN?
CALL ME.
I COULD BE THERE IN 15 MINUTES.
YOU CAN'T CALL ME.
YOU CAN'T COME HOME.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE CAVE.
THE CAVE.
OH, GOD.
I WANT TO TOAST MY GOOD FRIEND RICK,
A GUY WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
AND HERE'S TO SUMMER.
SIXTH GRADE IS SO BOGUS.
IT'S A JOKE.
WANT TO TAKE A WALK?
THEY NEED SOME PRIVACY.
JILL.
YOU ANIMAL, YOU.
COME ON.
HEY, WAIT!
WHERE YOU GOING?
DON'T LEAVE ME NOW.
YOU KIDS HAVE FUN, HUH?
THEY LEFT ME.
IT'S OKAY. I'M STILL HERE.
SANDY,
YOU TRICKED ME BAD.
UH-UH.
IN FIVE YEARS, JILL WILL MAKE HIM VERY HAPPY.
YEAH, I'M SURE.
NICE FIRE.
SANDY, THIS IS...
SHH. DON'T TALK.
THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE.
MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.
LET'S FIND OUT.
SANDY!
GET OUT OF THERE!
THERE REALLY IS A VERY GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THAT.
I'M FLATTERED.
YOU ARE?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO IMPRESS ME.
I DON'T?
NO. I LIKE YOU A LOT.
I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE BEERS.
IT'S OKAY.
HOW SMALL CAN IT BE?
DON'T ASK.
MORE COLD DUCK?
SURE. HIT ME AGAIN.
IF I GAVE YOU $5.00, WOULD YOU LEAVE?
LISTEN, SQUIRT, I'M NOT LEAVING
TILL I SEE TERRY.
FOR $10, WOULD YOU WAIT OUTSIDE?
WE'RE ON NUMBER 22.
LET'S KEEP GOING.
BUMMER.
IF THE COEFFICIENT OF "X" IS GREATER THAN "Y",
AND "Y" IS GREATER THAN "C",
WHAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT "X" IN RELATION TO "C"?
HOLD IT!
IT'S TIME KEVIN KNEW THE TRUTH.
TERRY MOVED TO OREGON TO JOIN A RELIGIOUS CULT.
IT'S ALL IN THE LETTER.
YOU SHOULD GO WAIT FOR IT, KEVIN.
WAIT. TWO MORE PROBLEMS.
IF THE COEFFICIENT...
HI, KEVIN.
TERRY! BACK FROM THE CULT!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOU'RE GOING TO LAUGH.
I WAS UPSTAIRS LOOKING FOR THIS SKIRT,
AND I FELL ASLEEP IN THE CLOSET.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
OH, I CUT IT.
ISN'T IT CUTE?
CUTE? IT'S GONE.
WHAT ARE YOU, DRUNK?
YOU ARE. YOU'RE DRUNK.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET TOGETHER.
KEVIN, HONEY,
ANGEL.
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
WHEN? TONIGHT?
I'LL TUCK YOU IN.
NOT TONIGHT. I'M WORKING ON MY ARTICLE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL WALK YOU OUT TO THE CAR.
A WALK TO THE CAR? TALK ABOUT WILD NIGHTS.
DON'T FEEL BAD.
WHILE YOU WERE GETTING DRUNK,
I GOT TO DO ALGEBRA.
OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
CRAZY KIDS.
WELL, ALONE AT LAST.
WHY ARE YOU SMILING LIKE THAT?
IT'S PARTY TIME.
LET'S DANCE.
LET'S GET CRAZY.
LET'S GET DRUNK.
LET'S GET NAKED.
BUDDY, I LOVE PARTIES,
BUT YOU WORRY ME.
YOU'RE A NUT.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE? SKINNY DIP? BACK RUB?
PICK A SIN.
IT'S GETTING LATE.
NO. IT'S EARLY.
BYE.
LINDA, WAIT!
I VACUUMED, LINDA!
YOU'RE A NICE GUY.
"A NICE GUY."
THE KISS OF DEATH.
SEE YOU IN ALGEBRA.
LINDA, WAIT.
WOULD IT MATTER IF I'M HUNG LIKE A BEAR?
IT MIGHT. ARE YOU?
NO.
JUST CHECKING.
GOOD-BYE, BUDDY.
I LIKE YOUR HAIR.
THAT GIRL HAD INCREDIBLE SELF CONTROL.
KEVIN HATES ME.
RICK HATES ME.
EVERYBODY HATES ME EXCEPT SANDY.
HOW DID IT GO?
YOU GET LAID?
I CAME CLOSER THAN YOU DID.
LINDA WILL LOOK BACK ON TONIGHT WITH REGRET.
GOOD NIGHT, BUDDY.
SORRY, SPIKE.
NOTHING'S HAPPENING, MA.
I PASSED MY HISTORY TEST.
TERRY'S A TRANSSEXUAL.
SHE'S GROWING CHEST HAIR.
JUST A SECOND.
MOM WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
NO, NO.
SHE CAN'T TALK.
THE DOCTORS SAID NOT TO SPEAK.
SOMETHING HORMONAL AND VOCAL.
SHE'S HUNG OVER.
SHE WAS DRINKING WITH THE GUYS.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
WE MISS YOU, TOO.
OKAY. BYE.
SHE THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING.
YO, RICK!
HI, TERRY.
GOOD MORNING, MRS. MOOREHOUSE.
RICK, TERRY'S HERE.
SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
HEY, THAT'S OKAY.
I ALMOST HAD A BIG NIGHT.
WE'RE GOING OUT.
LET ME GUESS...
A HOT DATE WITH SANDY'S GRANDMOTHER.
I FIGURED THE WHOLE THING OUT.
THE PROBLEM IS THE WAY YOU DRESS.
IT TOOK AN HOUR TO GET THIS LOOK.
STOP TRYING SO HARD.
COME ON.
I HAVE NO MONEY.
I GOT PLASTIC.
I JUST FEEL WEIRD.
YOUR BODY'S NOT USED TO STYLE.
YOU'LL ADJUST.
HEY, DEBORAH, WHAT'S SHAKING?
HI, TERRY. HI...
RICK.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.
THE KID WENT SHOPPING,
GOT A HAIRCUT.
WELCOME TO THE 80s.
VERY SHARP.
THANKS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THESE CHUMPSTAINS?
LET'S GO.
BE RIGHT THERE.
NOW, DEBORAH.
JUST A SECOND.
GREG LIKES TO ACT TOUGH.
HE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
THAT'S NO ACT.
HE TRULY HATES US.
DEEP DOWN, HE'S INSECURE.
UP FRONT, HE'S AN ASSHOLE.
TAKE IT EASY, DEBORAH.
WHAT WAS THAT, A PITY STOP?
(SPEAKING MARTIAN)
PIZZA!
JUST ABOUT SHOWTIME, BOYS.
WHIR!
I'M PICKING UP CURIOUS LIFE READINGS.
IS IT HUMAN?
UNKNOWN. SOME SORT OF CARBON-BASED DOUCHEBAG.
WOOP! WOOP! WOOP!
NOT AGAIN.
GENTLEMEN, RELAX.
SIT DOWN.
TOO MUCH STRESS HARMS YOUR MUSCLES.
HAVE A NICE LUNCH.
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
NICE JACKET.
OH, I'M SORRY.
SPAGHETTI, TOO.
I THINK IT STAINS.
DID I MISS SOMETHING?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SLUG HIM?
HE SAID HE WAS SORRY.
YOU BELIEVE HIM?
BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
BESIDES, THE GUY CAN LIFT CARS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
YOU HAVE TO DO THAT HERE?
IT'S CERTAINLY THE RIGHT PLACE.
IS THIS A PROBLEM FOR YOU?
NO, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
I WAS JUST KIDDING.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU LOOKED SO NICE TODAY.
YOU WERE PERFECT.
HEY, ISN'T THIS GREAT?
ISN'T WHAT GREAT?
WELL, HERE WE ARE, A COUPLE OF GUYS
HANGING OUT IN THE MEN'S ROOM,
LEANING UP AGAINST THE URINALS,
TALKING ABOUT BROADS AND FIGHTS.
JUST LIKE A COUPLE OF GUYS, YOU KNOW.
THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL TYPICAL MALE BONDING.
LIKE BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID.
SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
I'M GLAD YOU TOLD ME.
I JUST WISH GREG TOLIN WOULD JOIN THE GANG.
I'VE HAD IT WITH THAT JERK.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT GREG TOLIN.
GREG TOLIN...
IS TOAST.
WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM BACK.
WE AND WHAT ARMY?
NO VIOLENCE. NO NEED TO SINK TO HIS LEVEL.
WE HAVE SOMETHING THAT GREG TOLIN WILL NEVER HAVE.
INTELLIGENCE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE'RE SMART. OKAY, TERRY. WHAT DO WE DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
ME NEITHER.
THIS STUFF WILL KILL YOU.
TRY THIS. YOU'LL LIVE LONGER.
HEY.
LOOKS GOOD.
I MADE IT MYSELF.
WANT THOSE FRIES?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
LOOKING FOR YOU.
RICK, THIS IS MY YOUNGER BROTHER, BUDDY.
HOW YOU DOING?
SO.
THIS IS RICK.
I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.
BUD, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
GUESS WHO CAME TO PICK YOU UP FOR SCHOOL?
YOUR TRUE LOVE.
KEVINA.
SHE WAS UPSET YOU LEFT WITHOUT HER.
YOU KNOW HOW SHE WORSHIPS YOUR RIPPLING MUSCLES
AND HAIRY CHEST.
TERRY'S SUCH A STALLION.
GO ON. SHOW HIM YOUR HAIRY CHEST.
BUDDY!
ANYWAY, KEVINA MADE ME PROMISE TO TELL YOU
SHE'S PICKING YOU UP FOR DINNER AT 7:30,
SO YOU SHOULD LOOK YOUR HANDSOMEST.
THANKS FOR THE MESSAGE, BUD.
MY PLEASURE.
WELL.
I'M GOING TO SCOPE OUT THE LOCAL BABES.
HEY, RICK. STAY REAL.
TAKE IT EASY.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NAMED KEVINA?
RATHER EXOTIC, ISN'T IT?
STALLION.
HI.
CAN I BE TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU?
YOUR TOUCH IS THE REASON I WENT THROUGH PUBERTY.
SIT DOWN.
GUYS, I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE
ABOUT NEGLECTING YOU YESTERDAY.
I FELT TERRIBLE.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU'RE STILL MY FAVORITE PEOPLE.
SIT DOWN.
THIS CRAP HAS GOT TO STOP.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
UM... EXCUSE ME.
COULD I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?
EVERY DAY AT LUNCH,
WE GET A VERY SPECIAL TREAT
FROM A VERY SPECIAL GUY.
A GUY WHO HAS DEDICATED HIS LIFE
TO BUILDING HIS BODY,
PUSHING HIS MUSCLES TO THE LIMITS OF HUMAN ENDURANCE.
WHY, YOU ASK?
TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT TABLES
AND SPILL FOOD. GREG TOLIN.
WHOA. WAIT. LET'S TAKE A MOMENT NOW
TO FIND OUT A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE MAN
BEHIND THE MESS.
GREG... MAY I CALL YOU GREG?
TELL US, GREG, HOW DID YOU FIRST GET INTO SPILLNG FOOD?
WERE YOU A MESSY BABY?
(LAUGHTER)
DID YOU HATE YOUR STRAINED PEAS?
WELL, YOU KNOW, MOST PSYCHOLOGISTS TELL US
THAT GUYS GET INTO BODY BUILDING,
TO COMPENSATE FOR EITHER A LACK OF IQ
OR A SMALL WIENIE.
WHICH IS IT?
WELL, THOSE OF US IN GREG'S GYM CLASS
CERTAINLY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT ONE.
I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
HEY, ISN'T HE GREAT?
MUSCLES AND A SENSE OF HUMOR.
(LAUGHTER)
LET'S THANK GREG
FOR THE MANY LUNCHTIME THRILLS AND SPILLS
HE'S GIVEN US.
OKAY, EVERYBODY UP!
GRAB THE END OF YOUR TABLE.
A TRIBUTE TO YOU, GREG. LIFT!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
WE LOVE YOU, GREG!
EVERYBODY OUT.
GO ON OUTSIDE.
HOLD IT, CLOWN!
COME ON, GREG. LIGHTEN UP.
IT WAS A JOKE.
STAY OUT OF THIS.
I'M GETTING BORED
WATCHING YOU PUSH PEOPLE AROUND.
YEAH? STICK AROUND.
TERRY'S RIGHT. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.
THAT ASSHOLE CALLED ME AN ASSHOLE?
YOU'RE BEATING HIM UP, TOO?
* FRECKA FREE
* FRECKA FROO
* FOR REE
* FRECKA REE REE REE
* FRECK FRECKA FRECKA A-FROO *
CAN'T YOU BE MAN ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY?
WATCH. I'LL SHOW YOU HOW.
UH, YOU'VE GOT PUDDING ON YOUR SHOES.
YOU WERE OUTSTANDING, PHENOMENAL.
WHO ARE YOU ASKING?
DON'T START THIS.
YOU'RE A CELEBRITY.
DON'T SPOIL MY DAY.
WE CAN'T STOP NOW.
JUST ASK ONE MORE PERSON.
THEN I SWEAR I'LL SHUT UP.
ANYBODY?
ANYBODY.
UM...
THIS IS, UH...
THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CRAZY, BUT...
WHAT THE HECK.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO WITH ME TO THE PROM?
YEAH. I'D LOVE TO.
I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTOOD THE QUESTION.
I'D LOVE TO BE YOUR DATE.
HI, TERRY.
I'M GOING WITH DEBORAH?
I'M GOING WITH DEBORAH.
YEAH! HA!
THAT'S REALLY WONDERFUL.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
YOU'RE A GREAT GUY.
IT'S ABOUT TIME SOME LUCKY GIRL FIGURED IT OUT.
WE'VE GOT TO DOUBLE.
I'M NOT GOING.
YOU'VE GOT TO. COME ON. SANDY.
THAT CHICK IS DANGEROUS.
I DON'T NEED TO GO.
AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE FOR ME,
WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU A DATE.
I'M NOT GOING UNLESS YOU'RE GOING.
I'LL TELL DEBORAH RIGHT NOW.
I THINK I KNOW WHO TO ASK.
OKAY!
DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR SATURDAY NIGHT?
I'M NOT SURE.
EITHER I'M JETTING TO PARIS,
OR WATCHING THE LOVE BOAT.
DENISE.
WILL YOU BE MY DATE AT THE PROM?
YOU ARE SO SEXUALLY CONFUSED.
PLEASE, JUST GO WITH ME.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GO?
I PROMISED RICK.
IF I DON'T GO,
HE WON'T GO WITH DEBORAH.
DEBORAH. I AM SUCH A JERK.
YOU WANTED HIM TO GO.
BUT NOT WITH HER.
SHE'S TOTALLY WRONG FOR HIM.
TOO PRETTY?
NO. SHE'S TROUBLE.
I GUESS RICK NEEDS SOMEONE A LOT MORE SENSITIVE.
MORE LIKE YOU. RIGHT?
WHY WOULD I WANT RICK
WHEN I HAVE KEVIN?
GOOD QUESTION.
BUT...
YOU LIKE HIM.
RICK'S NOT MY TYPE.
SURE, WITH MY HELP, HE'S COME A LONG WAY.
HE STOPPED BUYING CLOTHES AT NERDS-R-US.
I KNOW YOU, TERRY,
AND YOU LIKE HIM.
HE'S RESEARCH. MY ARTICLE'S DUE MONDAY.
I'VE GOT SOME GOOD STUFF,
BUT I STILL NEED SOMETHING TO TIE IT TOGETHER.
YEAH. YOU LIKE HIM.
DENISE.
SAY YOU'LL GO TO THE PROM WITH ME.
OKAY. I'LL GO.
OH, THANK YOU.
I WANT A LIMO.
AND YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE.
NOT MY FRIENDS, PARENTS, NOBODY. DEAL?
I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS EITHER.
WHAT'S REALLY SAD IS YOU'RE THE BEST DATE I'VE HAD IN WEEKS.
HOW DO I LOOK?
BEAUTIFUL.
KEVIN LOVES THIS OUTFIT.
I WANT TO LOOK REALLY NICE FOR HIM.
I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T HAD MUCH TIME TOGETHER
SINCE...
THE SEX CHANGE.
THAT'S CUTE.
HEY, DENISE. WHAT'S YOUR RUSH?
WE'RE YOUNG. WE'RE WILD.
LET'S BE YOUNG AND WILD TOGETHER.
I'D RATHER PICK A NAME FROM THE PHONE BOOK.
HI. IS TERRY HOME?
YEAH. COME IN.
TERRY, YOU'VE GOT COMPANY.
COME UP. I'M ALMOST READY.
WE CAN GO TO YOUR PLACE. I'M FLEXIBLE.
OH, SHIT.
TERRY?
DON'T COME IN. I'M DRESSING.
TER?
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
SANDY. WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
THESE ARE FOR YOU. THEY'RE KISSING FISH.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THE CAVE.
YEAH. I'M SORRY, TOO.
(CONTINUES WHISTLING)
HOW'D YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVED?
I FOLLOWED YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GO TO PEARL?
I HATE THAT SCHOOL.
THANKS. I'LL PUT THE FISH BY MY BED.
IS THAT YOUR ROOM?
NO. IT'S MY BROTHER'S. THAT'S MINE.
LET'S SEE HOW THEY LOOK.
HELP ME.
THEY'LL LOOK GOOD OVER HERE.
WOW. LIKE THIS IS WHERE YOU SLEEP?
DO YOUR HOMEWORK?
YEAH. UH... I LIKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE.
TERRY LOVES TITS AND ASS.
THESE WOMEN JUST AREN'T TITS AND ASS.
KIM READS VONNEGUT,
AND LUANN...
LUANN DESPISES TOXIC WASTE.
DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU.
HARD-CORE SEX MANIAC.
TERRY TREATED ME WITH NOTHING BUT RESPECT.
VERY SPECIAL.
YEAH. HE'S ONE OF A KIND.
MY BRO.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I WONDER IF THAT'S YOUR PAL, KEVIN.
YEAH. KEVIN.
TELL KEVIN I'M NOT QUITE READY,
AND COULD HE WAIT IN THE CAR?
HE DOESN'T LIKE WAITING IN CARS.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY,
BUT I'M IN A RUSH.
THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO GIVE YOU.
NOTHING COULD TOP THESE FISH.
MY, GOD. THE FISH!
DID YOU FEED THEM?
LOOK AT THOSE HUNGRY EYES.
THEY'RE KISSING.
THEY'RE TURNING CANNIBAL.
FEED THEM THIS.
I'LL SEE WHAT'S IN THE KITCHEN.
DO YOU GUYS LIKE PIZZA?
BUDDY.
KEVIN!
HERE SHE IS.
YOU'RE EARLY.
IT'S 7:30. I'M RIGHT ON TIME.
I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU SAID 8:30.
I'LL DRESS. COME BACK IN AN HOUR.
YOU KNOW I SAID 7:30.
YOU SAID YOU'D BE READY AND DRESSED TO KILL.
SO, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE HELL?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUDDY, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
YOU'RE SO GREAT UNDER PRESSURE.
A HALF-NAKED WOMAN'S IN YOUR BEDROOM
FEEDING PIZZA TO FISH.
SOUNDS TOO KINKY FOR ME.
SHE NEEDS YOU.
YOU NEED HER.
SHE'S REALLY HALF-NAKED?
MAYBE MORE BY NOW.
IF I'M NOT BACK IN A WEEK,
FORWARD MY MAIL.
KEVIN, DARLING.
HELLO.
WHERE'S TERRY?
GONE.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME
THAT ANDROGYNOUS SLEAZE BUCKET
HAS BROKEN A BEAUTIFUL GIRL'S HEART.
I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
WHY? THE ROOM'S FULL OF NAKED WOMEN.
WOULD YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE
IF I TOOK MY SHIRT OFF?
WHAT A NICE GIRL.
YOU CAN'T GO TO GIOVANNI'S DRESSED LIKE THAT.
WE'LL GET IT TO GO.
I KNEW THIS GIRL ONCE NAMED TERRY.
SHE WORE DRESSES AND MAKE-UP.
SHE WAS HOT.
SUDDENLY, SHE DISAPPEARED.
WHERE DID SHE GO?
SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON.
IS BEING HOT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT?
NO.
I'M UNDER PRESSURE.
MY ARTICLE'S DUE MONDAY.
LOOK, IT'S NICE TO HAVE A HOBBY,
BUT LET'S GET SERIOUS.
A HOBBY?
I DIDN'T MEAN...
HOBBY, LIKE JUST A HOBBY, I, UH...
I MEANT HOBBY, LIKE AN IMPORTANT HOBBY.
WELL, HOW DO I LOOK?
DASHING.
MY ZIPPER'S OPEN.
THAT WAS THE DASHING PART.
BUDMEISTER, ARE YOU OKAY?
NO, TERRY, I'M NOT.
I'VE HAD TWO WEEKS OF TOTAL FREEDOM.
THE CLOSEST I'VE COME TO SEX
WAS A GIRL WHO TOOK HER TOP OFF TO SEDUCE MY SISTER.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
NOTHING. SEX IS NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
I'D LIKE TO FORM MY OWN OPINION.
IT WILL HAPPEN.
I KNOW THIS PLACE THAT DELIVERS.
MASSAGE DELIGHT, OR SOMETHING.
CAN I BORROW $200?
CALL THE GUYS AND GO TO THE MALL.
I'D RATHER WALLOW IN MY VIRGINITY.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
YOU KNOW I CAN'T ANSWER IT.
PLEASE. THIS IS ALMOST OVER.
(RING)
YEAH.
YEAH. TERRY'S HERE.
I'LL SEE IF IT CAN TALK.
IT'S MR. WONDERFUL.
HI, KEVIN.
NO. I CAN'T TONIGHT.
WE HAVE TO HAVE A SERIOUS TALK.
YES. IT'S ABOUT US.
(CAR HONKS)
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
BYE, KEVIN.
MR. WONDERFUL IS MR. HISTORY?
ALL RIGHT.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
NOBODY HERE KNOWS I USED TO BE FAT.
TELL ME AGAIN HOW RICK AND DEBORAH BELONG TOGETHER.
WHAT A CROCK.
HE KEEPS GIVING ME LOOKS.
THANK YOU. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
MIND IF HE TALKS TO ME?
NO, GO AHEAD.
YOU'RE GREAT.
HEY, SANDY.
ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT...
I WAS FROM PLANET OF THE SLUTS.
THAT'S OKAY.
WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.
HI, DEB.
GREG.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. PARSLEY FOR EIGHT, PLEASE.
OH, THEY'RE SO CUTE!
YEAH.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE HUNGRY.
THEY REALLY PREFER MEALWORMS OR FLIES.
HOW COULD SHE DO THAT TO YOU?
SHE CAN DATE WHOEVER SHE WANTS.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PROM?
(CROAK)
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
HE'S SO EXCITED.
IT'S HIS FIRST PROM.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
TERRY!
ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS SHE?
THE CULT. SHE'S TOTALLY BRAINWASHED.
WANT TO SPLIT HER RECORDS?
TELL ME NOW OR IN THE HOSPITAL.
I'M SUDDENLY REMEMBERING.
IF I SAY WHERE SHE IS,
TAKE ME WITH YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS.
WAIT. IT'S KIND OF FORMAL.
I GOT TO CHANGE.
THANK YOU.
AS CHAIRWOMAN OF THE PROM COMMITTEE,
IT'S MY PLEASURE TO ANNOUNCE
YOUR KING AND QUEEN.
THE ENVELOPES, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS YEAR'S PROM QUEEN IS...
UH... DEBORAH STRUMMOND.
SWEAR TO GOD, I'M NOT LYING.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
THIS YEAR'S PROM KING IS...
IT'S GREG TOLIN.
YEAH!
WAY TO GO, GREG!
CONGRATULATIONS, GREG.
THANK YOU, DEBORAH.
NOW THAT I TAKE A GOOD LOOK,
THEY REALLY DO MAKE A NICE COUPLE.
TRADITIONALLY WE HAVE A KING AND QUEEN'S DANCE,
BUT THAT'S A STUPID TRADITION.
SO EVERYBODY DANCE!
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
COME ON, RICK!
MAY I CUT IN?
TOLIN, YOU'RE A CREEP!
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
OH!
YOU DUMB ASS! YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!
PUT ME DOWN!
WHERE'D THESE GUYS LEARN TO FIGHT?
OKAY, TOUGH GUY.
MY BACK'S NOT TURNED THE OTHER WAY.
NICE TUX. YOU'LL LOOK GOOD BURIED IN IT.
NO PAIN, NO GAIN.
HEY, TER.
BUDDY?
I MISSED YOU.
TERRY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
KEVIN?
HEY, SANDY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IN A TUXEDO?
PLEASE GO. I'LL CALL YOU TONIGHT.
WHO'S THIS GUY?
TERRY'S BOYFRIEND.
WHO ARE YOU?
JUST A FRIEND.
TERRY, I KNOW YOU STILL LOVE ME.
NO! I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE.
WHOA, NO THANKS.
WE BELONG TOGETHER.
YOU'RE MY G...
CAN WE TALK?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WAIT. IT GETS BETTER.
BIG NIGHT, HUH?
I'LL BET YOU'RE A LITTLE CONFUSED.
I THINK I UNDERSTAND.
I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU SOONER,
BUT, UH...
I DIDN'T. I...
TERRY...
I KNOW. YOU'RE GAY.
I'M NOT GAY.
WAIT A MINUTE. NOW I'M CONFUSED.
I'M A GIRL.
I'M A WOMAN.
RIGHT.
AND I'M CINDY LAUPER.
I'M A FEMALE, I SWEAR.
ARE THOSE WHAT I THINK THEY ARE?
I'M SORRY.
WHERE DO YOU GET OFF HAVING TITS?
THERE WAS THIS CONTEST,
AND I NEEDED TO PROVE IT.
THEN I MET YOU.
YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL...
SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
RICK, I KNOW YOU'RE MAD,
BUT I THINK YOU'RE TERRIFIC...
THIS WHOLE THING WAS BULLSHIT.
MAJOR BULLSHIT.
RICK, WAIT!
UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME.
RIGHT, TERRENCE.
BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SO HONEST UP TILL NOW.
SO HOW'S THE FISH?
GREAT. I PUT A FROGMAN IN THE BOWL.
RICK, CAN'T YOU FORGIVE ME?
NO, I CAN'T.
RICK...
IT'S OKAY, EVERYBODY.
HE HAS TITS.
COME ON, DEBORAH.
WHOA!
9:15 ALREADY.
WELL...
GOTTA GO.
HAD A LOVELY TIME.
HAVE A NICE PROM.
HI.
YOU'RE PROBABLY HERE WITH A DATE.
YEAH.
NIGHT, SON.
BUDDY, WHY'D YOU BRING KEVIN?
GOOD EVENING.
WHOOPS.
HEY, NO PROBLEM.
JUST A COUPLE ALL-AMERICAN KIDS
EXPERIMENTING WITH SEX.
YOU REMEMBER SANDY?
HI.
HELLO.
YOU KNOW,
MY VOYAGE OF SELF-DISCOVERY
HAS ENDED IN DESPAIR.
HEY, THAT'S SO INTERESTING.
COULD YOU SHUT THE LIGHT OFF?
I'M SEEING JULIAN AGAIN THIS WEEKEND.
HE'S SO COOL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY LUCKED OUT.
DENISE, HE'S THE LUCKY ONE.
HEY, TERRY, IS IT TRUE
YOU BROKE UP WITH THAT COLLEGE GUY?
IT'S TRUE.
WANT TO GO OUT SATURDAY NIGHT?
I'M SORRY, BUT I'M NOT READY.
WHAT ABOUT SUNDAY?
NO, THANKS.
TERRY, YOU HAVE TO SNAP OUT OF THIS.
I WILL. IT JUST MAY TAKE A COUPLE YEARS.
TERRY, I REALLY LIKED YOUR ARTICLE.
ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT BEING COOL
EVEN IF YOU DON'T DRESS COOL.
I FEEL THE SAME WAY.
YOU WANT TO GO OUT SOMETIME?
OH, I'M REALLY NOT READY YET.
THANKS, ANYWAY.
TERRY!
WOULD YOU COME IN, PLEASE?
MR. RAYMAKER.
COME INTO MY OFFICE.
I READ YOUR ARTICLE IN THE SUN TRIBUNE.
CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING.
THANKS.
IT WAS REAL GOOD.
I'M SORRY I MISJUDGED YOU.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.
YOU'RE THE REASON I HAVE THIS JOB.
YOU FORCED ME TO FIGHT FOR WHAT I WANTED.
I WON'T FORGET YOU.
THANK YOU. I LEARNED A LOT, TOO.
WHAT ABOUT THAT KID YOU WROTE THE ARTICLE ON?
HE HATES ME.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
YOU REALLY LIKE HIM, DON'T YOU?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
I READ YOUR ARTICLE.
I'M A STUNT DRIVER.
I DO THIS FOR A LIVING.
SWIFT PARKING, BUD.
AND YOU'RE LATE.
I RAN OUT OF GAS.
BUT I PUT A BUCK'S WORTH IN... ON ME.
TERRY, IT'S SUMMER. SMILE.
MY FACE HURTS WHEN I SMILE.
LISTEN, I'VE GOT A DRIVER'S LICENSE,
AND A SEX LIFE.
YOU'VE GOT THE JOB OF YOUR DREAMS,
AND A CHAUFFEUR.
LET'S GET AN ICE CREAM.
UH... IT'S FOR YOU.
YOU LOOK GOOD IN A DRESS.
VERY GOOD.
I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME.
I MISSED YOU.
I READ YOUR ARTICLE.
DO YOU STILL FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME?
YEAH, I GUESS I DO.
WHY DON'T WE GO HAVE SOME FUN?
MAYBE LIKE DANCING FRIDAY NIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M THE GUY HERE.
LET ME JUST TRY THIS, OKAY?
WHY DON'T WE GO OUT DANCING FRIDAY NIGHT?
WHAT AN ORIGINAL IDEA.
YOU WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?
YEAH.
LONG AS I GET TO DRIVE.
COME ON, BUDDY.
(SOFT ROCK PLAYING)